2007北欧旅行記...３

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Why don't you write books people can read?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.