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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

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There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

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He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

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People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

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I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

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Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Wow, this is very interesting to read. Have you ever considered submitting articles to magazines?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.