私的北欧通信vol.24

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Why don't you write books people can read?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Bom dia amigos, com certeza enviar um SMS gratuito está cada vez mais difícil devido falta de opções das operadoras móveis. Há ainda os serviços que prometem entregar meu SMS mas nem sempre chegam ao usuário final. Alguns como o Mundo oi e o Oi Torpedo funcionam mas e para as outras operadoras? E os que dizem que mandam e nada chega. Para onde está indo as meus SMS? E para a Tim, Vivo? Alguma Idéia? Ou significa ter de comprar?. É só um desabafo, realmente está difícil achar serviços para enviar SMS na faixa.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Its ridiculous how much more attention I aquire from the other gender when I smoke cigars!

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?